Wait, what? You can't break up with me.
We have cuddle-wuddle time at 2100 hours.
Cuddle your gun.
Oh, and you can keep Major McHuggles!
Where are the others?
Just you and me today, soldier.
Figured you need a little one-on-one training.
You have 10 minutes to run the course.
Let's see if you can keep up.
Care to make it interesting?
lf l win, you have to let me take you out.
Nothing sexual, just a tour around campus.
And if you don't?
l'll do latrine duty for a month.
-You're on. -Great. When do l start?
You already have.
You're running out of time!
l can't. l don't have any...
Come on. You have 10 seconds. Ten, nine, eight...
Hey, Wilder!
Do you want this, or what?
l knew you had it in you.
Piece of cake.
Let me know if you find my right testicle.
Come on, milk dud. l'll buy you an ice cream.
Mother!
All right.
Look at 'em, Lieutenant.
Morons, listening to their retard rock.
Horn dogs, tongue-dancing, like cousins in a closet.
You see what's happening down there, don't you?
Chaos, anarchy, ironic T-shirts.
l'm losing control, damn it, and l refuse to let that happen.
Do you know who's behind it, sir?
l know who's behind it, all right.
lt's that same rooster that's been sniffing around your hen house.
Looks like somebody needs another beating!
Forget it.
Beating him up is like beating off.
lt might feel good doing it, but in the end,
we're just standing there with our dicks in our hands.
-No. We need something more. -l could...
Beat up his roommate, sir.
God damn it, boy. You stupid?
Wait a minute.
lsn't his roommate that pothead?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
Lieutenant, l have got an idea.
Milady, your chariot awaits.
-How did you get this? -Chuck lent it to me.
We go way back.
Thanks.
This is incredible.
You said you always wanted to see the world.
l thought we'd start with the tropics.
Oh, l almost forgot, the most important part.
-What is it? -lt's my own concoction.
-l call it the amputated leg. -Why?
'Cause if you have more than one, you're flat on your ass.
Christ! Look at this place. lt's like a homo's paradise.
-You want a cosmo? -Put that down! Put it down!
Get over here! Stupid ass.
You have the stuff?
You have no idea where l had to hide this.
Put it over there in that plant thingy.
Technically, that's a variegated ficus. lt really...
Yes, hello. l'd like to report the possession
of some illegal narcotics.
l can't believe l'm doing this, blowing off my homework,
drinking and riding in a stolen vehicle, no less.
God bless America.
You know, what you've done here, it's pretty great.
Well, Farley's the one who scooped out the pineapple.
Shut up. l mean here, this, Coolidge.
l don't know. People seem happier.
That's because they're thinking for themselves.
They don't have some father figure telling them what to do.
Oh, back to the father issues.
You know a little bit about mine.
-What about yours? -Well, let's see.
My father's a sergeant. His father was a sergeant.
He always wanted a son who was an officer.
Guess l'm just trying to get it half right.
Yeah, but the real question is, is this what makes you happy?
Family makes me happy. Tradition.
Tradition is something that keeps greeting-card companies in business.
l think at some point you gotta say, ''l'm gonna do what l wanna do, Dad.
''So quit busting my balls.''
Yeah, l'll be sure to mention that when l have dinner with him this weekend.
You might wanna leave out the balls part.
We should have a toast.
-To Coolidge. -To you.
To us.
Shall l take you home?
Actually, there's something that l've heard about
that l've been dying to see.
My God, it's huge.
Well, Farley and l both live here.
Yu uses the hot tub.
l think this is the bigger than some of the military housing l grew up in.
l think it's a lot like me.
Simple yet elegant. Coarse but refined,
and it could definitely use a woman's
touch.
l've always wanted to do that.
The amputated leg strikes again.
-Are your roommates around? -l sent them to the movies.
-So they'll be back soon. -l sent them to all the movies.
That's good.
With Dirk, l always felt like someone was gonna break down the door.
Don't move!
Search the place.
Are you in some kind of trouble?
Either that, or the library has seriously changed its overdue-book policy.
We got an anonymous tip that there are some illegal narcotics
being hidden in the plant thingy.
There's nothing in the bag. lt's empty, sir.
False alarm.
You kids have a nice evening.
Oh, and don't forget to wrap it up.
What just happened?
What wrong with Colossus?
Damn, yo, that dog is mad blazed.
He must've eaten a whole pound.
Hey, don't be lookin' at me, man. l keep my stuff right here.
Hydroponic.
You know, messing with me is one thing,
but nobody screws my pooch.
lt's Dirk. lt's gotta be.
He's trying to get even with me for breaking up with him.
You two broke up?
Sorry to hear that.
l just can't believe he'd go this far.
l don't think he did.
l think old Dirky boy's playing Vanna to someone else's Sajak.
And now it's our turn to spin the wheel.
What do you mean, he wasn't arrested?
We didn't find any drugs.
Officer, can you tell me why, at such a fine institute
of higher learning, l'm surrounded by idiots?
-lt's time for your massage, sir. -Send them in.
Get out. You're incompetent.
One? l usually have two girls.
Me no disappoint.
Holy Schwarzkopf.
Oh, yeah.
Hairy, hairy chest. l like it!
Hello. ls this Mrs. Reardon?
Big, strong Gl.
You know, you Charlie ain't so bad.
Shame we had to beat you in 'Nam.
-You want happy ending? -Does an Arab shit in the sand?
-What's this? -Not polite to watch, only to feel.
Why your soldier not stand at attention?
lt will, it will.
Very good.
This is something you'll like very much!
l cannot wait very much.
Yeah.
Your soldier stand at attention now.
-You likey, likey? -Oh, yeah, yeah.
-You ready for mouth massage? -Bring it on.
Here it come.
Easy there, easy there.
-Feel good? -Watch it.
Watch Huck and Buck, there.
No touching.
That feels good.
That is so hot.
Charles!
So dirty.
l promise l will never make you do anything like that ever again.
Given the events of this afternoon,
there is only one thing in the world that l want.
-A rabies shot, sir? -No, God damn it!
l want Wilder.
He's turned my wife against me, my school against me,
he even turned my dog against me.
Wish we could just kick him out!
There's gotta be some way l could just force him to leave.
Oh, l would love to see the look on his dad's face
when he finds out his son is expelled.
l would love to see the look on Kaitlin's dad's face
when he realizes that his daughter's new boyfriend
isn't joining the Army.
Will you shut the hell...
-Whose dad? -Kaitlin's.
Lieutenant! l've got it.
We are gonna finish Wilder.
-And your former squeeze, too. -Yes, sir!
ln order to do that, l have a very important mission for you.
l need you to find me some skanks.
Well, l'm sorry Kaitlin, but it's your turn for guard duty.
No more special treatment.
Nothing personal, Corporal. Just be there.
lt's set. You think you can get your friends to go along?
They'll do whatever l tell them to do.
Awesome.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God. Oh, Satan!
What? What are you doing? Don't stop!
Out of ammo.
Hand me your gun!
Ten-hut!
l taught him that.
What's wrong?
lt's Dirk.
He knew l was going to dinner tonight with my father,
and he deliberately scheduled me for guard duty.
So don't go.
Van, guard duty isn't something you can just shrug off.
lf you miss it, or screw up, it can ruin your career. lt's serious.
Which is exactly how the boys and l will treat it.
-You're gonna do it? -Hey, l know it's not toilets,
but l think l can handle it.
What, don't you trust me?
l trust you.
But we have dates tonight! Hot ones!
lrving, trust me.
That sucking action is not realistic, no matter what it says on the box.
l mean real dates this time, Van! Hot ones.
-Human females? -Hot ones.
Tell you what. They can come along.
Yes! Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start!
Now, what exactly are we guarding?
You will not get inside Colonel Reardon's Humvee.
You do not touch the Humvee. You do not look at the Humvee.
Then how are we supposed to guard them?
You do not look at the Humvee!
Now,
this guard duty better come out smooth as a bran muffin shit,
or somebody's gonna have their ass handed to 'em.
Any questions?
Will you be the one doing the ass handling?
Don't worry, Wilder. Yours is coming.
l am really starting to like that guy.
-So, how's college? -lt's great.
l'm taking a lot of interesting courses. Military history, psychology...
You know, Dirk called me the other day.
Said you had broken up with him.
Yeah, well,
l met somebody else.
He a military man?
He respects the military.
Ladies.
lrving! You invited the ''dick'' girls?
This is a bad idea.
Van, don't be such a dork.
Howdy, heathen.
Well, honey, with school and Dirk,
and everything that's been going on around here,
l just wanna know one thing. Are you...
-Yes, Dad. l'm happy. -That's great.
But are you still on track for officer training school?
Listen, guys.
Maybe we should slow down just a little bit.
l am Mars, god of war!
Who amongst you shall engage in body shots?
Hey, soldier! Wanna fuck?
No. Thank you.
l do anal.
Corporal Hayes. As you were, as you were.
l was on the other side of the restaurant. l didn't see you.
lt's a pleasure to meet you, sir.
The pleasure's all mine, Sergeant. l didn't realize Miss Hayes
came from such good stock.
Well, hopefully she will climb a bit higher up the ladder than l did, sir.
l have no doubt, Sergeant. Kaitlin is officer material all the way.
Her record is flawless.
Say, you're about done here. l was just heading back to the base.
Would you like a tour? You could see your daughter's unit in action.
l don't think that's such a good idea.
-l'd love to, sir. -Dad!
l'm really proud of you. Love to see it.
Come on. Show off for your old man. Let's go.
-Please? -Okay.
-You're gonna enjoy this. -Thank you, sir.
Oh, you know what? l forgot my purse, so l'll meet you outside, okay?
-All right. -Okay.
You know what l wanna do to you?
Leave me alone permanently?
Hey, watch that! Hey, stop... Hey!
No means no.
Come on, Van. Pick up.
Miss Hayes.
Shall we?
You're about to be very proud about what you'll see.
What in God's name...
Kaitlin, this is your unit?
For the last time, no!
Van?
You must be Kaitlin's father.
Corporal Hayes, l thought you were a better leader than this.
l thought you were officer material.
Do you understand what the consequences of this will be?
-Colonel Reardon, l... -She will accept
any punishment you deem fit, sir.
Wait. l can explain.
Kaitlin, let me explain.
-That a boy, Dirk. -My pleasure, sir.
Let's go, Kaitlin.
Now.
You're disgusting.
Call me.
You realize it's my duty to make a report of this.
Gonna put a pretty big stain on her pretty little record.
But it's about time you learn there are some people you don't fuck with.
What do you want from me?
lsn't it obvious? l want you gone, out, quit.
Running home to Daddy with your tail between your legs.
What if l say no?
Well, then l guess Miss Hayes' military career will be coming
to a rather premature and ignoble end.
Tell you what.
Having some people over for dinner tomorrow night
to discuss our annual war games.
Why don't you give me your decision then?
Good seeing you.
A Wilder never quits.
So l said, ''l've got some affirmative action for you.
''l can affirm that your dumbass kid won't be getting
''any action at my school.''
Yo!
Cap'n Crunch!
l've made my decision.
l've decided we should settle this, once and for all.
Like men. No more sneaking, no more backstabbing.
Let's just get it all right out in the open.
l'm sorry, l don't know what you're talking about.
You've got a problem with my father,
a problem with my name, and that's too bad.
But l'll be damned if l'm gonna sit around and let you
and your little peons flush this school down the toilet
and hurt the people l care about,
because, even though you dragged her into this,
this has never really been about Kaitlin, who,
on her worst day, will be a better officer than you ever were.
That girl's got bigger balls than you, me, and my freakish dog combined.
l have had enough of these little games, Wilder.
Get out.
Games?
You wanna play games?
How about one of your precious little war games?
Loser leaves Coolidge. For good.
What do you think about that?
l think you're in for an old-fashioned ass-kicking, son.
lf l was your son, l'd kick my own ass.
l'm sorry.
You're finished, Wilder. Finished.
Miss Hayes, in light of Mr. Wilder's behavior
l am going to remove last night's incident from your record,
and l am giving you my official recommendation
for officer training school.
Thank you, sir.
But l'm afraid l'll have to decline.
The officer training school only accepts those who have
received the most honorable training.
Your name on my recommendation would render me ineligible.
ln other words, sir, go fuck yourself!
Kaitlin!
Kaitlin.
l blew it, Dad. l'm so sorry.
-He's right. -What?
Kaitlin, l wanted you to be a soldier.
l still do.
But if getting there means having to march in a line that's crooked,
then it ain't worth a damn.
You don't join the Army to follow. You join it to lead.
And the only way to lead is to do what's right.
That's my girl.
None of this is gonna work.
We need a man who actually knows what the hell he's doing.
How about a woman?
Kaitlin, l swear to God, l never touched her.
Okay? lt was man rape.
Save it. l only wanna know one thing.
Are you ready to enter an alliance, neighbor?
lt seems he is.
Okay, enough of the soft stuff.
Reardon's got us outnumbered five to one,
so there's no way we can take him head on.
We're gonna fight him on our own terms.
What do we do?
We do the only thing you guys know how to do. We have fun.
Anyone who loses an armband will be considered captured.
Whoever captures the other team's general wins.
Reardon's Raiders, who's your general?
Charles Stonewall Reardon, sir!
Your team will wear the yellow bands.
Team Maverick, who's your general?
That would be me.
How's it hanging, Chuck? You miss me?
Hey.
Your team will wear the orange bands.
The game begins when you hear the siren.
l hope you're prepared, gentlemen.
Someone's going home today.
All right, let's listen up. First squad, take the left flank,
past the lake. Second squad, right flank.
Third squad, head on.
And our recon team,
well, let's just say they have a head start.
Lieutenant Arnold will stay with me.
Corporal Benedict, you'll guard the Humvee.
All right, men, there's the siren.
Now, let's get these bastards!
-Raiders! -Raiders!
Colonel, we got recon on the radio for you.
Recon, report. Can you see their base?
-l have a visual, sir. -What's going on?
-Shots, sir. -Jesus Christ, they're firing at us?
No, sir. Jell-O shots.
l repeat, Jell-O shots. They've got the blast!
-They've got explosives? -No, sir.
The Jell-O shots with a blueberry blast. lt's my favorite, sir.
What the hell's he talking about?
Sounds like they're having a goddamn...
Party!
So, where did all this sand come from?
Thank Sheik Mohammad.
Who?
-How we doing? -We're up.
Give Reardon the feed.
Recon report.
Sir. Something's happening with the monitor.
Testing, testing, check, check, hello.
l'm sorry, they can't come to the phone right now.
Would you like to leave a message?
How the hell did you eliminate my men?
Chuck, "eliminate" is such an ugly word.
Van Wilder rules!
You tell first squad to move in.
And have Benedict on standby with my Humvee.
Corporal Benedict!
Yes, sir!
Stand by for deployment.
Yes, sir.
You heard him! Stand by for deployment!
That way!
Hey, guys!
Come skinny-dipping!
What the hell?
l seen this in a porno once.
-Have you seen this before? -Don't be scared.
Jump in, baby.
Wait for me!
First squad, report! Report, damn it!
Sorry about your troops, Chuck, but they decided to make love,
not war.
Son of a bitch.
Gotta conga.
Hello!
-Sir, we found their general. -l hooked myself into a sand trap.
Well, don't just stand there, capture him, you jackass!
Grab him!
Give me the armband, General.
l told you it was a sand trap.
Ladies.
l still got it.
Well, did they get him?
Not exactly.
-Permission to get angry, sir. -Denied.
Denied!
Wet your whistle?
Where the hell is third squad? They should've been there by now.
Hey, Chuck! l just wanna let you know, third squad took a little detour.
God damn you, Wilder!
Well, what are you doing just standing there?
Why don't you pussies get out there and get me Van Wilder?
-Go! -Get out there! Move! Move!
l can't feel my hair anymore, man.
That means it's working.
l wouldn't go any farther if l were you.
Yeah, who's gonna stop us? You?
Exactly.
ls that all you've got?
-l'll go after them, sir. -No!
Get me Corporal Benedict.
We'll take the Humvee and run right over 'em.
You're a genius.
Corporal Benedict.
Corporal Benedict!
Dirk, have l ever told you l love you, man?
We all love you. Yeah!
-What? -lt's so soft, sir.
Have you felt the helmets?
Rub your helmet with me, it's so soft.
You fucking fruitcake!
-What was that? -Don't ask, don't tell.
Okay, Chuck. We got your boys. Why don't you and little Dirky
surrender and join the party?
Never. Surrender? Surrender?
l'd rather see my uncle naked again.
lt was an accident.
lf you want me, Wilder, you have to come and get me.
-Shall we? -Let's.
Get out there and stop them! Now! Go!
He's a little pissant!
Let me go with you.
Sorry, Dad, but this is one fight l need to finish on my own.
-Go get him. -Let's do it.
There's the base!
Kaitlin.
l knew you'd come back for me.
What do you say? l go high, you go low?
No. This asshole's all mine. Go.
-You sure? -Yep, l got it.
Come to papa, honeybear.
You got nothin'.
-l could do this all day. -That'd be a first.
Your hair smells really nice. What is that, Essence of Traitor?
-Not so fast. -Chuck.
Get up.
Hot stuff.
You smell good.
Wish you fought this hard in the bedroom.
See, this is why women will never make it in the military.
You got nothing between your legs.
Shit!
Yeah? Well, that makes two of us, honeybear.
Nice BB gun.
l got one just like it at home.
Maybe not.
Let me tell you what's wrong with you Wilders.
You think you can change the world just because people like you.
Well, here's a tip, son, people are like cockroaches.
You crush a few, the rest will scatter.
-l'm sorry, what? l was texting. -Funny.
But the last laugh is mine.
God damn dog!
Like l said, nobody screws my pooch.
Sit!
Good boy.
Orange team wins!
Wilder, this isn't over.
And if you think l'm quitting, you are screwed in the head.
Hey! Listen up! l am doubling security!
And l am rewriting the rule book!
l'm gonna make the old Coolidge look like Candy Land!
And you can't stop me.
No. But he can.
Thomas, what the hell are you doing? You can't side with him.
-He's not one of us. -You made your bed, soldier.
Now you're gonna have to sleep in it. Officer!
-Get him out of here. -Hey, l'm not going anywhere.
Remember who stamps your paycheck.
-Are you resisting arrest? -You're damned right l am!
Thank you.
This is for putting up with your bullshit.
And this
is for denying my kid's admission.
How affirmative is that action, bitch?
Corporal, those were about some of the most outrageous tactics l've ever seen.
l'll be sure to note that in my recommendation
for officer training school.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
l believe l'll engage in a body shot.
l'm proud of you, Son.
-Hey. -Hey.
Van, l'd like you to meet Stephen Walker, my head of security.
Mr. Wilder, l'm hereby tendering my resignation for this assignment.
Very good.
lt's been the utmost pleasure working with you, sir.
-Yeah. -Great work, Steve.
l'll see you back at the office, all right? Good.
-Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! -Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Yeah!
-So, what do you think? -About what?
Oh, l think you've proven yourself here. Wanna come to work with me?
Actually, l've been giving it a lot of thought,
and l've decided to stay in school.
A smart man once told me that tradition
is something you just don't break.
Write that down.
Let's go.
-So, you wanna get out of here? -And miss the party?
Trust me.
There'll be more.
Wait, where's that batti boy, Dirk?
Sir, l don't mean to alarm you, but something's about to come up.
What do you mean, something's about...
-Stand down, Corporal! -l can't.
Stand...
Remember when l said the best things in life are worth waiting for?
-Yeah. -l think l've waited long enough.
Van!
Van, what are you doing? Put that away.
You're insane. Not here.
Now, all this stuff
you've heard about Coolidge not wanting to party
is a lot of doggy dung.
-Stand down. -l can't.
l'm flanking your ass.
Do you have any poison?
-You're tearing it. -Oh, my God.
l'm gonna need stitches.
With some testosterone-pumping,
pituitary-fucking Neanderthal, well, then, they are 100...
Fuck me.
Fuck, that scared me!
-Let's fuck! -That's weird. Okay.
Take her shirt off, grab the boob.
Cut!
lt's a challenge to...
Now, l'm not saying this is gonna be easy.
Some of us may fall, so that all of us may ball.
Oh, easy there, easy. Those are big, old colonel balls, honey.
This a new experience for you?
Yeah. l usually use my old balls.
Big old, colonel, big, round, colonel balls.
Hey, when l'm off camera, l'm just gonna show 'em my old balls!
You gotta admit, though, this is kind of romantic.
Hey, watch those teeth. Or take 'em out before you do anything.
Who's my big, bad boy?
-l'm your big, bad boy. -There you go.
Oh, God. l haven't been this uncomfortable since Catholic school.
''Feel good, yeah?'' Feels good.
That's how you'd say it, but l say ''feels good.''
You know my spot, Lieutenant.
Holy shit! That thing pops!
College is a team.
lt lives, eats, drinks, and if you're lucky, humps, as a team.
l love the smell of gasoline in the morning.
Yummy, yum, yeah.
You wanna go back to my house and eat some yogurt
and watch Mean Girls?
Yeah, Mean Girls is all right, but the guy in it sucks.
l think he's dreamy.
He scheduled me for guard duty.
What?
So, you wanna go back to my house, grab a bottle of shiraz
-and maybe flip on The Hills? -No. l hate those bitches.
He knew l was going to dinner tonight with...
l think Brody Jenner's your competition for Jaw Line of the Year.
l just... l'm gonna jerk off right here. Pull it out,
and just jerk off right in front of you. ls that okay?
You lick my dick 'cause you like taste.
Turn around, turn around.
You motherfucker, asshole dick-licker!
l've got 13 Going on 30.
l've seen it. l'll watch it again.
-Ruffalo's bomb. -Yeah, he's awesome in that.
You asshole dick-licker!
Could be like this. You and me always.
What do you say, once we get loose, we find a little pup tent
and fuck for a week?
Robert Levy's not paying me enough to show my penis.
-ls that sweat? -No, that's pre-cum.
You gotta eat dirt before you drink champagne.
Sometimes you have got to stand up as a man
before you can lie down with a woman.
You gotta get your guard on before your hard-on.
Nothing? You know... Hold on a second.
Wait. Hold on.
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You already told her twice.
Hand me your gun.
l can't quit you.